Dear Grief

Dear Grief,

I do not like you anymore. I wish more than anything in this world you would go away or just bring him back to me.

Since I know he isn't coming back...fine...but GO AWAY. I do not appreciate how you sneak up on me when I least expect it and how you hinder my life. You bring me down and make me feel so lost, scared, confused, alone, sad...and everything else BAD.

I like the days so much more when you aren't visiting. So go HOME!!!

Thank you.
Melissa

song

For those of you who read this and aren't my Facebook friend....I had to share this with you....
Things are looking up for me...I decided last week, I don't want to be sad anymore. Derek would not that for me, he HATED it when I was sad. So I am trying really hard to have more better days than sad days.
Am I still sad?
Absolutely.
Do I still cry?
Absolutely.
Do I still hurt?
Absolutely.
Am I trying to find joy in life?
Absolutely.

A friend in my grief group gave me a CD this week....and I must share it with the world....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3CVlv2dz3w


Please take a minute to listen to the words of this song...thank you God for being with me.....

Freaked out

So today was an awful day...and I was at work.
I totally freaked out starting last night...
How could I donate his eyes...
Now he will never ever see me again.
Was this the right thing to do?
I do not know.
He wanted to be an organ donor and so do I,
But now I just don't know.
Oh how I hope I did what was right....

Then at about 5:30pm I got so excited...soon my shift would be over.
I would be going home to see Derek and eat dinner with my favorite man.
Oh how I forgot....
What I wouldn't give to come home to him once more, but
He isn't here anymore.
Why do I have to live this life....
I hate you Grief....
I really hate you.

Missing him

Well let's see...I survived our first wedding anniversary ALONE. I must say though it was the most peaceful day I have had since Derek passed away. God opened the skies for me and gave me a beautiful sun filled moment, filled with lots of hope for my future until I see Derek again. I ate lunch with some friends, I went to the beach and then went to dinner with his best friends. It was a very sad day and I cried a LOT, but He was right here with me....I felt him.
I went to the beach right where we got married at the exact time I became his wife. I cut our cake and I talked to him, cried to him and then laughed and smiled as I remembered our greatest times together. It is amazing to me how much I loved Derek and how much he loved me. I never knew that kind of love really exsisted and then to have it STOLEN from me. I just don't understand...which led to Monday being an absolutely SAD day....
I miss him so much...more and more every day. I miss him lying in bed with me, being here when I get home from work, and lots of other times. But I miss him most when I just need someone to share my "new" work schedule(and complain, of course) with or just talk to about my day. I need him to say...baby it is all going to be ok...that is what I need. I need him to hug me/kiss me and tell me he loves me....whenever he told me he loved me....all my troubles disappeared.
Now I am faced with the biggest trouble I have been faced with in my life and he isn't here.....I HATE this. I need him to make the loss of him all better...he made everything all better....

results

So today was a day...to put it mildly.
I got the phone call from the medical examiner with the results of Derek's autopsy and I do not like it at all.
The cause of death....hypertensive heart disease, no heart attack, no clogged arteries, no clots:just hypertensive heart disease. Whatever, I have hypertensive heart disease, millions of people have it and are walking, talking, breathing, loving and alive. This just isn't fair. I wanted a different reason. I do not know what reason I wanted, but it isn't the one I got.
This was suppose to give me some sort of closure, not so much. I miss him more than words can say. But God had bigger plans than we and I know that he passed away quickly and without suffering and for that I am thankful.
This is treatable, why didn't his medicine work, why was it his hypertension that took him from me, why didn't we do something more, WHY???
I know if I try to figure it out I will make myself crazy, so please don't ask me to stop. I know I can't change it and I can't fix it...but it just doesn't make sense to me. I just want my husband back sitting here eating ice cream with me, to eat dinner with me, to hold me tight and kiss me goodnight....this is a LONELY, SAD, MISERABLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL, HURTFUL time in my life....but one day, just one day I hope to be better.....but not right now....

Living with Grief

I am in a grief support group....part of our work in this group comes from a workbook which asks us to journal each week....this week's journal entry says....
"From the moment you wake up until you crawl into bed at night, what is it like to live with grief?"

So here goes my thoughts...some of them at least....I think I could write on this all night...

Grief smacks you in the face each day when you wake up...my husband should be lying in our bed with me and saying, "Hey baby" when he sees my eyes open. Derek always woke up before me and I loved the moment when I would awaken and there he was with the sweetest grin on his face....oh how I miss him. So at the start of each day I am immediately reminded that he isn't here anymore.
Then, throughout the day it is awful...I want to call him from work when I am there, just to tell him I love him, to tell him something that happened, to discuss dinner....whatever it is I just want to call him...and I can't, he won't answer. If I am not at work, I still want to call him, tell him what I am doing, take him lunch to work, stop by his work just with a Diet Coke to help him get thru the afternoon. And if it is a day when we should be off together, those are really hard...I just miss our time...we looked forward to those days when we didn't have to work, when we could do whatever we wanted...we loved to spend time together.
Coming home from work, well from anywhere for that matter is the hardest for me. I still after 11 weeks hope each time I turn the corner his car will be here and he will be waiting inside for me, but again...he isn't here.
I am trying really hard to "LIVE" with grief...I am trying really hard to not let grief get the best of me, but I tell you it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Imagine...losing your everything, losing the person who still gave you butterflies in your stomach every time you would see that person, losing your one true soulmate. Imagine never being able to talk to, touch, hug/kiss, snuggle with, eat with, laugh with, dance with the one who completed you. That is GRIEF.
Grief is the worst pain someone has to experience, grief is a ball of emotions...you are sad, mad, guilty, lost, lonely, hurt, broken, scared and a million other things all rolled into one. The weirdest part of grief is that you never ever know when it will hit you, grief has no boundaries.

I am not sure if I answered the question correctly, but I can tell you living with grief is something I very much wish I didn't have to live with and I will never understand why I have to endure this horrible, terrible, awful life...but I just continue to survive and pray for strength to get thru each second...sometimes you can only focus on the next second....and I always get thru with God's strength and hearing Derek say to me..."Deep breaths, baby...deep breaths...."

another "sign"

I have so much to say...tonight as usual...but I am only going to write one story to get it out...

I worked last night and my good friend Carla very strangely asked me..." Do you have Derek's watch?" And I thought it was strange but answered her, yes it is on the dresser, I loved his watch. And I told her how much I loved his watch...it is something that he always had on him and it was very "catching" for lack of a better word. I remember very vividly sitting in his old office and always noticing his "big" watch. Weird, I am sure...but I loved his watch.

Well as the story goes...Carla's sister in law works in the ED where Derek went and apparently his watched stopped the moment he left this earthly body for the Heavens. ODD...

So this morning...I couldn't wait to get home and check and see if his watch was working...it was...I guess that is another sign from my God that it is ok and time and my life will keep going on even without the love of my life...what a great reminder that in time...I will be ok.

I went to my first support group session tonight...it was just a meet/greet thing and we actually start next week...I think it is going to be very helpful for me.