deep thoughts

I feel compelled to write this blog entry....I want to put my happenings of the day into words....Warning: this may be long and may not make sense to anyone of you that actually read it...but it makes perfect sense to me.

Story before the story: Derek and I have a lovely beach house in Emerald Isle. We used to go there just about every second that we weren't working. Our greatest memories and moments have been there, walking on the water front of Beaufort, sitting on the porch just the two of us (we had lots and lots of awesome conversations there, that I will forever cherish), sitting on the beach, eating special dinners and we even got married down there barefoot on the beach. It was our favorite place to be together. And in June we discovered a new beach, I think it is called the point...well as were sitting there and playing in the water together I told Derek that if I could invision what heaven was...this spot with my husband would be it. I called this beach "Heaven on Earth."

Well today I chose to drive to our beach house, ALONE and for the first time since Derek left this Earth. I had to face it at some point and I chose today....for starters as I was driving and was about 10 miles from the house, it rained on me (no more rain the rest of the day) and I said a little thanks be to God for letting me know my Derek was with me on this adventure and I would be OK. So I get to the house and it looks the same as it did the last time we were there, July 5th. And I just laid on the bed and cried out for Derek and asked him all kinds of questions and told him all kinds of things....why aren't you here? i can't believe you aren't here. i don't want to be here if you aren't here with me....i was very sad to be there, anywhere without him with me.

I then decided I would go to "Heaven on Earth", maybe to find some peace...not so much. I went to the point and it was GONE, crashing waves were covering the area that once was "Heaven on Earth"....I suppose this was from Hurricane Danny, but it gave me the weirdest kind of feeling. A confimation that my life is like crashing waves and will never ever be what it was once was. However I do know that eventually those waves covering that part of the beach will be gone and the beach will return, just like eventually this pain won't hurt so bad, the waves will never go away but maybe just maybe they will retreat.....

I can only hope for this retreat of waves in my life, but I did settle an issue I have been struggling with...I will sell the beach house...I do NOT want to make any new memories there, I only want my memories and times there to be remembered as those times with Derek. I long for the day when I can be in HEAVEN with Derek since we can no longer go to our "Heaven on Earth".

the hurt

Everyday gets harder and harder...I just want my husband back. I know this is not possible but oh what I wouldn't give to have him here. The pain is so strong and hurts so bad. I want Derek here with me, I do not want anything else and I feel at times that nothing else will do.

On that awful day, I lost so much....
I lost my best friend
I lost my lover
I lost my partner
I lost my soulmate
I lost my husband

I lost my personal chef
I lost my driver
I lost my listener
I lost my teacher
I lost my helper
I lost my dog walker

I lost my doctor
I lost my meterologist
I lost my funeral director, that is for you buddy
I lost my car man
I lost my grocery shopper

I lost my drinking buddy
I lost my singing buddy
I lost my beach buddy
I lost my porch sitting buddy
I lost my buddy

I lost half of my heart. But I am so thankful for everything that Derek taught me and showed me in those short 2 years I had him in my life. My life will never be the same because of the love between a husband and wife that we shared. We shared so much in such a short time and I am forever grateful for every second of it. I would give anything to have it all back and one day I will see that precious man again.....

how life changes in the blink of an eye

Well I have decided maybe I need to write some of my feelings down...I started this blog ironically to just see what a friend had written on her blog and reading my first blog brings me so much pain....I thought I had it all...

Until that awful Sunday...I was at work talking with a family who had had a baby born with problems...the phone rang and it was for me...I had no idea that phone call would forever change me. I never get phone calls at work so I knew it must be something...and boy was it something...my husband was unresponsive and his best friends were doing CPR on him and the ambulance was taking him to the hospital. I knew the end result...my precious Derek had died...someone drove me to where he was and after lots of waiting the doctor came in and finally said the words I already knew were true. My most favorite and wonderful man in the world was gone....how could this be...I just talked to him few hours ago and he was so excited to go riding 4 wheelers with the boys...and none of us had a clue how that day would end up...

It has now been 6 weeks and 3 days that I have learned to live without my true love, my soulmate, my Derek. And it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. We had just started our life together and it was perfectly amazing....we didn't even get to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary together...my life will never ever ever be the same....

At first I was numb, well I am here to tell you the numbness has all since worn off and the pain is so real and so intense. I would give anything to have him here with me...to touch him, see him, kiss him, talk to him, eat dinner with him...do anything and everything we loved doing together. My heart breaks every second of every day...I may appear to be doing "ok" but truly I am not. I am only surviving at this point. I go to work to get away from it all...I have to be a nurse there so I can leave my pain aside for 12 hours a day...but coming home is the worst...no one is here with my dinner ready and my diet coke poured and no one is here to hug and kiss me and talk about my day with me....oh how I miss you Derek.

Well I decided today to write out some of these feelings, my grief books say it might help and I know I will continue to write them for whoever reads it...as a lot of people's blogs have helped me over the past 6 weeks, maybe one day mine can help someone too....