deep thoughts

I feel compelled to write this blog entry....I want to put my happenings of the day into words....Warning: this may be long and may not make sense to anyone of you that actually read it...but it makes perfect sense to me.

Story before the story: Derek and I have a lovely beach house in Emerald Isle. We used to go there just about every second that we weren't working. Our greatest memories and moments have been there, walking on the water front of Beaufort, sitting on the porch just the two of us (we had lots and lots of awesome conversations there, that I will forever cherish), sitting on the beach, eating special dinners and we even got married down there barefoot on the beach. It was our favorite place to be together. And in June we discovered a new beach, I think it is called the point...well as were sitting there and playing in the water together I told Derek that if I could invision what heaven was...this spot with my husband would be it. I called this beach "Heaven on Earth."

Well today I chose to drive to our beach house, ALONE and for the first time since Derek left this Earth. I had to face it at some point and I chose today....for starters as I was driving and was about 10 miles from the house, it rained on me (no more rain the rest of the day) and I said a little thanks be to God for letting me know my Derek was with me on this adventure and I would be OK. So I get to the house and it looks the same as it did the last time we were there, July 5th. And I just laid on the bed and cried out for Derek and asked him all kinds of questions and told him all kinds of things....why aren't you here? i can't believe you aren't here. i don't want to be here if you aren't here with me....i was very sad to be there, anywhere without him with me.

I then decided I would go to "Heaven on Earth", maybe to find some peace...not so much. I went to the point and it was GONE, crashing waves were covering the area that once was "Heaven on Earth"....I suppose this was from Hurricane Danny, but it gave me the weirdest kind of feeling. A confimation that my life is like crashing waves and will never ever be what it was once was. However I do know that eventually those waves covering that part of the beach will be gone and the beach will return, just like eventually this pain won't hurt so bad, the waves will never go away but maybe just maybe they will retreat.....

I can only hope for this retreat of waves in my life, but I did settle an issue I have been struggling with...I will sell the beach house...I do NOT want to make any new memories there, I only want my memories and times there to be remembered as those times with Derek. I long for the day when I can be in HEAVEN with Derek since we can no longer go to our "Heaven on Earth".