results

So today was a day...to put it mildly.
I got the phone call from the medical examiner with the results of Derek's autopsy and I do not like it at all.
The cause of death....hypertensive heart disease, no heart attack, no clogged arteries, no clots:just hypertensive heart disease. Whatever, I have hypertensive heart disease, millions of people have it and are walking, talking, breathing, loving and alive. This just isn't fair. I wanted a different reason. I do not know what reason I wanted, but it isn't the one I got.
This was suppose to give me some sort of closure, not so much. I miss him more than words can say. But God had bigger plans than we and I know that he passed away quickly and without suffering and for that I am thankful.
This is treatable, why didn't his medicine work, why was it his hypertension that took him from me, why didn't we do something more, WHY???
I know if I try to figure it out I will make myself crazy, so please don't ask me to stop. I know I can't change it and I can't fix it...but it just doesn't make sense to me. I just want my husband back sitting here eating ice cream with me, to eat dinner with me, to hold me tight and kiss me goodnight....this is a LONELY, SAD, MISERABLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL, HURTFUL time in my life....but one day, just one day I hope to be better.....but not right now....

Living with Grief

I am in a grief support group....part of our work in this group comes from a workbook which asks us to journal each week....this week's journal entry says....
"From the moment you wake up until you crawl into bed at night, what is it like to live with grief?"

So here goes my thoughts...some of them at least....I think I could write on this all night...

Grief smacks you in the face each day when you wake up...my husband should be lying in our bed with me and saying, "Hey baby" when he sees my eyes open. Derek always woke up before me and I loved the moment when I would awaken and there he was with the sweetest grin on his face....oh how I miss him. So at the start of each day I am immediately reminded that he isn't here anymore.
Then, throughout the day it is awful...I want to call him from work when I am there, just to tell him I love him, to tell him something that happened, to discuss dinner....whatever it is I just want to call him...and I can't, he won't answer. If I am not at work, I still want to call him, tell him what I am doing, take him lunch to work, stop by his work just with a Diet Coke to help him get thru the afternoon. And if it is a day when we should be off together, those are really hard...I just miss our time...we looked forward to those days when we didn't have to work, when we could do whatever we wanted...we loved to spend time together.
Coming home from work, well from anywhere for that matter is the hardest for me. I still after 11 weeks hope each time I turn the corner his car will be here and he will be waiting inside for me, but again...he isn't here.
I am trying really hard to "LIVE" with grief...I am trying really hard to not let grief get the best of me, but I tell you it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Imagine...losing your everything, losing the person who still gave you butterflies in your stomach every time you would see that person, losing your one true soulmate. Imagine never being able to talk to, touch, hug/kiss, snuggle with, eat with, laugh with, dance with the one who completed you. That is GRIEF.
Grief is the worst pain someone has to experience, grief is a ball of emotions...you are sad, mad, guilty, lost, lonely, hurt, broken, scared and a million other things all rolled into one. The weirdest part of grief is that you never ever know when it will hit you, grief has no boundaries.

I am not sure if I answered the question correctly, but I can tell you living with grief is something I very much wish I didn't have to live with and I will never understand why I have to endure this horrible, terrible, awful life...but I just continue to survive and pray for strength to get thru each second...sometimes you can only focus on the next second....and I always get thru with God's strength and hearing Derek say to me..."Deep breaths, baby...deep breaths...."

another "sign"

I have so much to say...tonight as usual...but I am only going to write one story to get it out...

I worked last night and my good friend Carla very strangely asked me..." Do you have Derek's watch?" And I thought it was strange but answered her, yes it is on the dresser, I loved his watch. And I told her how much I loved his watch...it is something that he always had on him and it was very "catching" for lack of a better word. I remember very vividly sitting in his old office and always noticing his "big" watch. Weird, I am sure...but I loved his watch.

Well as the story goes...Carla's sister in law works in the ED where Derek went and apparently his watched stopped the moment he left this earthly body for the Heavens. ODD...

So this morning...I couldn't wait to get home and check and see if his watch was working...it was...I guess that is another sign from my God that it is ok and time and my life will keep going on even without the love of my life...what a great reminder that in time...I will be ok.

I went to my first support group session tonight...it was just a meet/greet thing and we actually start next week...I think it is going to be very helpful for me.

survived

Well I am home from my beach weekend with the family...it was a good time with some sad moments.
My brother completed his run and did awesome...so proud of him!!!

I am use to being without Derek when I am with my family so that helped the situation. I had a few sad moments...I really wanted to call him a LOT and tell him what we were doing, how my brother did in the race, that I was on my way home, but he wouldn't answer...what a sad feeling.

My niece who is 3 was with us and I was nervous she would ask about where her uncle "D" was, she only said one thing about him the whole weekend...I wrote her name in the sand and she took the stick and made a "D" in the sand and I asked her what that letter was for and she said, "For your Derek"...precious and I told her yes it was....oh how I wish he was there with us to see her and play with us and carry her on his shoulders...she loved him and he loved her so much. He would always get so excited when I would let him listen to her voice messages or look at her pictures.

He would have been such a great daddy and I am saddened that we didn't get the opportunity to share that amazing joy together. But I am so thankful that our God knows what he is doing!!

All in all it was a good time...but there is nothing I wouldn't give to have had Derek there with us...

Vacation

The loss of my husband will be so clear this weekend.

I am going to VA Beach tomorrow with my family for my brother to run a half marathon. This is his first big run since he has been cancer free. I remember getting that phone call almost 2 years ago, my brother had stage III cancer. Derek sat here on the couch with me and held me as I cried, we had only know each other less than 2 months. He was amazing...he told me we would do whatever needed to be done, move to Richmond, whatever I/my family needed. I knew from that moment on that Derek and I would be such good team mates. And that we were. We could handle anything together and now I am all alone.

SO, we were suppose to go this weekend with my family together to support my brother. This would be our first vacation with my family. I have waited a LONG time to have someone who was willing to be with my family, this was going to be the first time ever I finally had someone/a husband to go on a family vacation with me. We were so excited to go together. But that isn't going to happen now. I am still going to go support my brother and be with my family, no matter who hard it will be. I just wish I wasn't going alone, I wish I didn't have to do anything alone.

Please say an extra prayer or two or three for me this weekend that I will have peace and joy as I celebrate with my brother and family. We truly have so much to be thankful for.