Well I have decided maybe I need to write some of my feelings down...I started this blog ironically to just see what a friend had written on her blog and reading my first blog brings me so much pain....I thought I had it all...
Until that awful Sunday...I was at work talking with a family who had had a baby born with problems...the phone rang and it was for me...I had no idea that phone call would forever change me. I never get phone calls at work so I knew it must be something...and boy was it something...my husband was unresponsive and his best friends were doing CPR on him and the ambulance was taking him to the hospital. I knew the end result...my precious Derek had died...someone drove me to where he was and after lots of waiting the doctor came in and finally said the words I already knew were true. My most favorite and wonderful man in the world was gone....how could this be...I just talked to him few hours ago and he was so excited to go riding 4 wheelers with the boys...and none of us had a clue how that day would end up...
It has now been 6 weeks and 3 days that I have learned to live without my true love, my soulmate, my Derek. And it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. We had just started our life together and it was perfectly amazing....we didn't even get to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary together...my life will never ever ever be the same....
At first I was numb, well I am here to tell you the numbness has all since worn off and the pain is so real and so intense. I would give anything to have him here with me...to touch him, see him, kiss him, talk to him, eat dinner with him...do anything and everything we loved doing together. My heart breaks every second of every day...I may appear to be doing "ok" but truly I am not. I am only surviving at this point. I go to work to get away from it all...I have to be a nurse there so I can leave my pain aside for 12 hours a day...but coming home is the worst...no one is here with my dinner ready and my diet coke poured and no one is here to hug and kiss me and talk about my day with me....oh how I miss you Derek.
Well I decided today to write out some of these feelings, my grief books say it might help and I know I will continue to write them for whoever reads it...as a lot of people's blogs have helped me over the past 6 weeks, maybe one day mine can help someone too....
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Girl i just read your blog and it brought tears to my eyes. Even though i never met Derek, he truely sounds like a genuine man. I am so sorry for your loss and i can definitley feel your pain thru reading this. I cant even imagine what i would do if this happen to me. You are definitely are a strong person. I will keep praying for you every day. I know that you will never get over this but hopefully in time it will get easier to handle. Derek will always be there with you.
ReplyDeleteKristy Rudy
Just wanted to let you know I am reading. I am so sorry this has happened to you! I think you are an amazing woman. You are strong, brave and someone who I look up to.
ReplyDeleteI am really glad that you have a blog to let your feelings out. It truly is one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. Please know that Brian and I love and support you! <3 Erin
I'm so sorry. It does help to write out your feelings. I also recommend a grief counselor. I lost my husband at 31 and I swear the counselor saved my life.
ReplyDeleteThe pain never goes away, but you learn to live with it and you can move on.