song

For those of you who read this and aren't my Facebook friend....I had to share this with you....
Things are looking up for me...I decided last week, I don't want to be sad anymore. Derek would not that for me, he HATED it when I was sad. So I am trying really hard to have more better days than sad days.
Am I still sad?
Absolutely.
Do I still cry?
Absolutely.
Do I still hurt?
Absolutely.
Am I trying to find joy in life?
Absolutely.

A friend in my grief group gave me a CD this week....and I must share it with the world....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3CVlv2dz3w


Please take a minute to listen to the words of this song...thank you God for being with me.....

Freaked out

So today was an awful day...and I was at work.
I totally freaked out starting last night...
How could I donate his eyes...
Now he will never ever see me again.
Was this the right thing to do?
I do not know.
He wanted to be an organ donor and so do I,
But now I just don't know.
Oh how I hope I did what was right....

Then at about 5:30pm I got so excited...soon my shift would be over.
I would be going home to see Derek and eat dinner with my favorite man.
Oh how I forgot....
What I wouldn't give to come home to him once more, but
He isn't here anymore.
Why do I have to live this life....
I hate you Grief....
I really hate you.

Missing him

Well let's see...I survived our first wedding anniversary ALONE. I must say though it was the most peaceful day I have had since Derek passed away. God opened the skies for me and gave me a beautiful sun filled moment, filled with lots of hope for my future until I see Derek again. I ate lunch with some friends, I went to the beach and then went to dinner with his best friends. It was a very sad day and I cried a LOT, but He was right here with me....I felt him.
I went to the beach right where we got married at the exact time I became his wife. I cut our cake and I talked to him, cried to him and then laughed and smiled as I remembered our greatest times together. It is amazing to me how much I loved Derek and how much he loved me. I never knew that kind of love really exsisted and then to have it STOLEN from me. I just don't understand...which led to Monday being an absolutely SAD day....
I miss him so much...more and more every day. I miss him lying in bed with me, being here when I get home from work, and lots of other times. But I miss him most when I just need someone to share my "new" work schedule(and complain, of course) with or just talk to about my day. I need him to say...baby it is all going to be ok...that is what I need. I need him to hug me/kiss me and tell me he loves me....whenever he told me he loved me....all my troubles disappeared.
Now I am faced with the biggest trouble I have been faced with in my life and he isn't here.....I HATE this. I need him to make the loss of him all better...he made everything all better....