So today was a day...to put it mildly.
I got the phone call from the medical examiner with the results of Derek's autopsy and I do not like it at all.
The cause of death....hypertensive heart disease, no heart attack, no clogged arteries, no clots:just hypertensive heart disease. Whatever, I have hypertensive heart disease, millions of people have it and are walking, talking, breathing, loving and alive. This just isn't fair. I wanted a different reason. I do not know what reason I wanted, but it isn't the one I got.
This was suppose to give me some sort of closure, not so much. I miss him more than words can say. But God had bigger plans than we and I know that he passed away quickly and without suffering and for that I am thankful.
This is treatable, why didn't his medicine work, why was it his hypertension that took him from me, why didn't we do something more, WHY???
I know if I try to figure it out I will make myself crazy, so please don't ask me to stop. I know I can't change it and I can't fix it...but it just doesn't make sense to me. I just want my husband back sitting here eating ice cream with me, to eat dinner with me, to hold me tight and kiss me goodnight....this is a LONELY, SAD, MISERABLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL, HURTFUL time in my life....but one day, just one day I hope to be better.....but not right now....
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You are right it doesn't make any sense at all. None of it makes sense. I couldn't agree more, I want my husband sitting right here with me right now too.
ReplyDeleteYou are right as well, this is a sad, lonely, miserable, horrible, awful, and hurtful time. You need to feel all of things things. And you know what? It is ok to feel all of them. And once again, one day hopefully there will be happier times and that will be wonderful, but you don't have to feel that way now.
Remember we are widows...we are survivors!