I am in a grief support group....part of our work in this group comes from a workbook which asks us to journal each week....this week's journal entry says....
"From the moment you wake up until you crawl into bed at night, what is it like to live with grief?"
So here goes my thoughts...some of them at least....I think I could write on this all night...
Grief smacks you in the face each day when you wake up...my husband should be lying in our bed with me and saying, "Hey baby" when he sees my eyes open. Derek always woke up before me and I loved the moment when I would awaken and there he was with the sweetest grin on his face....oh how I miss him. So at the start of each day I am immediately reminded that he isn't here anymore.
Then, throughout the day it is awful...I want to call him from work when I am there, just to tell him I love him, to tell him something that happened, to discuss dinner....whatever it is I just want to call him...and I can't, he won't answer. If I am not at work, I still want to call him, tell him what I am doing, take him lunch to work, stop by his work just with a Diet Coke to help him get thru the afternoon. And if it is a day when we should be off together, those are really hard...I just miss our time...we looked forward to those days when we didn't have to work, when we could do whatever we wanted...we loved to spend time together.
Coming home from work, well from anywhere for that matter is the hardest for me. I still after 11 weeks hope each time I turn the corner his car will be here and he will be waiting inside for me, but again...he isn't here.
I am trying really hard to "LIVE" with grief...I am trying really hard to not let grief get the best of me, but I tell you it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Imagine...losing your everything, losing the person who still gave you butterflies in your stomach every time you would see that person, losing your one true soulmate. Imagine never being able to talk to, touch, hug/kiss, snuggle with, eat with, laugh with, dance with the one who completed you. That is GRIEF.
Grief is the worst pain someone has to experience, grief is a ball of emotions...you are sad, mad, guilty, lost, lonely, hurt, broken, scared and a million other things all rolled into one. The weirdest part of grief is that you never ever know when it will hit you, grief has no boundaries.
I am not sure if I answered the question correctly, but I can tell you living with grief is something I very much wish I didn't have to live with and I will never understand why I have to endure this horrible, terrible, awful life...but I just continue to survive and pray for strength to get thru each second...sometimes you can only focus on the next second....and I always get thru with God's strength and hearing Derek say to me..."Deep breaths, baby...deep breaths...."
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Hey Melissa-I think about you often and can't imagine how tough life is for you right now. I wanted to pass this onto you. A friend of our's from NC writes his thoughts about losing his wife last summer. Its tough for me to read especially b/c his wife was a good friend of mine. We met them when they joined a couples bible study my husband and I facilitated at our house. Maybe in some way Michael's words will reflect some of what you are going through as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you!! http://lostmc.wordpress.com/
ReplyDelete~Jennifer Dierker
Thank you Jennifer for reading my blog and leaving me messages and for passing along your friend's writings...I have already started reading them....
ReplyDeleteI think one of the best things you can do is to get all of your thoughts and feelings out onto paper, or out on your blog. Writing what I have felt has been a great form of support and therapy for me.
ReplyDeleteYou are also right, grief smacks you in the face every single day. At almost 14 months, I still can't believe this has happened to me, and I too have found myself waiting for his car to pull in the driveway.
I will tell you this and I think I've told you this before. At 14 months, things have started to get a bit "easier" (I hate to use that word because I don't think it will ever be easy to live withouth Shawn, but I think you know what I mean) However, I think as time goes on you deal with your grief in a different way.
Just remember to take it one day at a time, or even one minute if you have to. Feel EVERYTHING!! Breath in and breath out and remember the good times you had with Derek...they will bring you peace and comfort.
As always, know that I am here for you whenever you need anything.